Spirited Communication

When ghosts and other spirits attempt to communicated with the living, they can do it in several ways, some of which are subtle and some of which can be dramatic. How do you know when a ghost is attempting communication with you? By the increase in your phone bill. But what other signs are there? Well, some of the more stylish ghosts frequently will use the following forms of supernatural activity to make their presence known:

1. Levitation- This can be both quite disconcerting, especially if it is you or your plasma HD television that is levitating, or funny, as when it is your mother-in-law or the guy coming door to door to read the gas meter.

2. Bleeding walls- When noticed, you may want to ask the spirit kindly to stop, as it is heck on the carpet cleaning bills, especially on light colored carpet.

3. Clanking chains and going, "Whooooooo!"- Stereotypical and cliched (in fact, some ghosts actually find it undead-ist), but can be very noticeable, especially if they're trying to frighten away 'those darn kids'.

4. Kidnapping family members and allowing them to talk through the television- Rare, but it happens

5. Spirit Writing- Watch out; all spirits feel they are authors, and will be more than happy to force you to read their stupid novels about first teen love, or their really not-funny Fred Savage television pilot treatments, if you get them started with their spirit writing.

6. Possession- Can be fun if it is someone interesting, like George Reeves or Warren G. Harding, but really sucks if it's some nutjob like Hitler or Beelzebub.

7. Putting on a clown mask and jumping out of an empty room- I don't know if there is any of this on record, but you gotta admit, it'd be pretty wild.

These are a few of the more obvious signs that spirits and ghosts are present, and are often used by ghosts of, well, lesser creative abilities and refinement. But are there times when the spirits are trying to communicate that are more subtle, and even may be missed? What forms do some of this communication take? Well, good of you to ask!

1. Bad smells- "Well, honey, it was either the dog or spirit communication"

2. Cold spots- Did you pay your heat bill? If so, you may be in the presence of spirits.

3. Knocking and rapping- Especially if it is Tupac or the Notorious B.I.G.

4. Orbs- Floating balls of light, these are often signs of either spirit activity or binge drinking

5. Ringing bells- Usually occurs only if you have a bell available. If you are hearing bells without a bell available, it may be a brain tumor, or even an angel getting its wings.

6. Unseen presence- This is the feeling that there is someone or something near you, but there is nothing visible. If it is visible, then, well, it's a seen presence. And, if it's a seen presence, then you will probably have little difficulty understanding that a spirit is communicating with you.

7. Object movement. This is often very subtle, such as a ping-pong ball moving two inches over the course of three months, or tectonic plates moving across the globe over the course of a billion years.

This list is not, by far, complete, and may include any or all of the above in combination when the dead attempt to communicate with the living. Certain spirits may put a little more of themselves in their communication. For example, a friend of mine once had a particularly annoying spirit try to communicate with him by pitching softballs at his head. I've heard of other ghosts attempting to communicate with some ridiculous opening lines ("Hey, now, if I wasn't a wispy, spectral collection of ectoplasm, and I told you you had a great body, would you hold it against me, or at least against my decomposing corpse?") And, of course, now that I've given them the idea, you watch; you're going to see some copycat spirit go putting on a clown mask and jumping out at you.

You may want to sit down for that one.

Welcome, Mortal Foolishness...

Within these dank and dusky hallways, we will explore together some of the most unexplained, most fear-inducing, most out and out creepy and kooky things in this world and the next, as well as any parallel, perpendicular, slaunch-wise, or just plain alternate universes out there. What, you say? You doubt the validity of the absurd? Well then, my friends with the suspicious minds, take my hand, watch your head and step (for the unexplained does a piss-poor job of building maintenance, and there are many places that you may slip on a mossy floor or hit your head on some low-clearance crypt while exploring these topics; now that you've been warned, however, know that my legal team says any falls are your own responsibility, so proceed with caution), and we will walk together into a world where sense and nonsense collide, where shadows cast shadows across still and empty rooms, where dogs howl in the night and there are no neighbors to complain or call animal control and have your beloved family pet taken away. No, together we will walk, hand in hand, through these corridors- what? Come on, now, please. It wasn't me that tried to touch your boob. Ok, I might have rubbed against it, but it was an accident, 'cause it's dark in here. Please, you don't have to yell!. Fine, then, get all attitudinal. Like I'd want to grab your flubbery old boob anyhow. Most likely, it was the icy grip of fear you felt, not me. Either we're gonna proceed down these cob-webbed passageways or you're gonna stand there whining about someone brushing against your boob? Fine, whatever, it's up to you. File a complaint with the EEOC, see if I care.

Anyhow, for the rest of us, let us proceed into the dark realm of mists and questions, of midnight and twenty minutes past midnight, of ideas both bad and good, and often stupid. In this blog, we will keep close together while we attempt to know the unknown, to explore everything from 'Aliens' to the 'Zipperump-A-Zoo". Sniff the stink of fear and wallow in the musk of mystery. Feel the chill of the unseen deep in your bowels. Just the fact that you have joined us here indicates you are not afraid of the dark. But now comes the real question; are you afraid of a flesh-eating zombie lurking in the dark? Together, we will discover the answers, or, at least, the questions.

What will you find as we search the shadowy world just beyond our vision? Let me give you a taste with a reality doubting example...

Stare at this blog for a solid 10 seconds. Are your retinas burning? Good. Now, turn your head or your computer monitor until you are in line with the edge of the monitor. Can you still see this blog? What? You can? Oh. Well, now, close your eyes. Can you still see this blog? That's right, you can't! Ooooh, it's gone! The entire blog disappeared with just the close of an eye, or eyes, for those of you who are not pirates. But did it exist in the first place? Was it a product of your overworked imagination? Or was it composed of nothing more than the wind through the old dead tree in the backyard your wife has been nagging you for two years to remove? Was this blog simply an echo of a voice from a distant time, a laugh in the night when nothing is funny, a pile of dust in the corner of a long empty church? You know that you saw it, but, as soon as you closed your eyes, it was gone. Now, as you may know, you have just entered the world of...

Unknown Mysteries of the Strangely Unexplained...

(Ok, you can all open your eyes now and go on about your business.)

(Alright, already, you can open your eyes and hit "Next blog". Hey! You! Wake up! Open your eyes! Blog posting over! Open your eyes! Wake up! Hey! Hey! How rude...post a blog and the reader falls asleep. Whatever. At least those of us who are awake will see when a chupacabra comes sneaking up on us. You fools who went to sleep, you're on your own.)