24 August, 2007

The Inadvisability of Using the Ouija Board

There are some dark objects that may be taken as children's playthings, but whose power should never be underestimated. These would include 'My Little Pony', '9 in 1 Utility Cutting Tool", "Trouble" complete with 'Pop-a-matic' bubble, and, of course, the Ouija Board. The history of the unknown is littered with the victims of this supposedly harmless talking board, or, should I say, it would be, if there was a history to know, but, since it is unknown, we wouldn't know about it, would we now? Anyhow, who can't relate to the parent stopped in the aisle of Target by a screaming child, crying and threatening to call Children's Services if he or she can't have that $399 Playstation 3 right now! And, of course, since Dad is going to be a week late AGAIN with the child support, there is no way to buy both the $399 Playstation 3 AND food that week. So, to avoid a week of eating glue and newspaper, the poor parent is forced into a desperate search through the toy department for something, anything, that little junior could find interesting that doesn't cost $399. 'Pirates of the Caribbean' playset? Look, it's got a nice, red 'Clearance' tag on it? No? Well, uh, how about a 'Spiderman 3' tent, with the nice, red 'Clearance' tag on it? Oh, where did you learn THAT word, little junior? Nevermind, here's something, a 'Ouija' board. Aunt Connie used to have one of these she played with all the time before she disappeared. No, it doesn't have a 2.6 GHz processor, but it does have a little plastic planchette that we can use to talk to Grandma, find out maybe where Grandpa ended up. What? This'll be ok? And, with a sigh of relief that can only be bought by the difference between $399 and $12.95, another parent condemns there child to a lifetime of hellish possession. I mean, an even greater lifetime of hellish possession than the usual parenting skills condemn their children.

And, within a few weeks, little Johnny or Jane is vomiting pea soup, urinating themselves during church 'Joytime', and tearing apart the couch with his or her teeth, gone to a place from which even the highest strength of Adderall XR can't bring them back.

Allow me to share a story:

A young man, whom we could call Xavier or Rufus, but instead we'll just call Billy, brings home a Ouija board he buys from a seemingly kindly old man at a garage sale, never even noticing that the old man had filed his teeth to points. Billy starts out as a casual Ouija board user; he'll ask a few questions, but the connection to the Other Side is not that good, kinda slow, and the answers take forever, so he starts to lose interest. One day, though, a telecommunications monopoly, who we'll call BU&U, offers Billy a superfast connection to the Other Side through his existing Ouija board, but only if he'll agree to a 15 month contract. Suddenly, Billy's Ouija board answers him with lightening speed. He starts to use it day and night, surfing the board for answers, chatting with unseen "friends", who could be anyone, from President Warren Harding to Rock Hudson to 'Dateline NBC'. These 'friends' become more important than his flesh and blood, and he turns to them to discover the truth, his fingers flying over the planchette while he communicates with the ether. His wife begs him to stop, to come to dinner, to spend some time with the family, but he can't, not when he can talk to "Cleopatra69" through his magical Ouija board connection. He's so engrossed in his otherworldly communication that he doesn't even notice when his wife packs up and leaves. Pale and filthy, Billy continues to turn to his magic board, moving through seemingly endless realms in search of meaning. He becomes well known throughout the spirit world, a celebrity in his own mind, substituting the lies and virtual communication of the Ouija for the real life he once had. His boss tells him he's no longer needed. He doesn't care; he's been working on a new design for a more responsive planchette. and, if the IPO money comes together, he'll take it public, all with the hopes the Parker Brothers will see it and buy up his company to add to their existing Ouija line-up and continue their monopoly on the Ouija market and its applications. But then, the spirits abandon him, moving on to the next board across the street, and leaving him with nothing. Desperate, lonely, on the verge of bankruptcy, Billy starts communication with the only spirit that will still have anything to do with him, "SexyMarieAntoinette1793". Forlorn, having given his life to a fickle and meaningless talking board technology filled with lying and exploitative spirits, craving some personal contact, he agrees to meet "SexyMarieAntoinett1793" in the darkest corner of the basement, where there is always a wet spot on the floor and the light never quite reaches, leaving it 5 degrees colder than the rest of the area. Of course, when he gets there, "SexyMarieAnointte1793" turns out not to be THE Marie Antoinette at all, but instead is the Demon with 1000 Eyes, and the Demon proceeds to rip Billy's limbs from his body then eat him while he is still alive. And then BU&U forwards a bill to Billy's widow, demanding payment for the remaining 2 months of the contract or they will put a lien on his insurance policy. All because of playing with a Ouija board.

Is this a true story? No, I made the whole thing up. But just because it is a lie doesn't make it any less true: Ouija boards are dangerous items that open the users up to all kinds of negative spiritual energy. How do I know? My Magic 8-Ball told me.


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