28 August, 2007

Spirited Communication

When ghosts and other spirits attempt to communicated with the living, they can do it in several ways, some of which are subtle and some of which can be dramatic. How do you know when a ghost is attempting communication with you? By the increase in your phone bill. But what other signs are there? Well, some of the more stylish ghosts frequently will use the following forms of supernatural activity to make their presence known:

1. Levitation- This can be both quite disconcerting, especially if it is you or your plasma HD television that is levitating, or funny, as when it is your mother-in-law or the guy coming door to door to read the gas meter.

2. Bleeding walls- When noticed, you may want to ask the spirit kindly to stop, as it is heck on the carpet cleaning bills, especially on light colored carpet.

3. Clanking chains and going, "Whooooooo!"- Stereotypical and cliched (in fact, some ghosts actually find it undead-ist), but can be very noticeable, especially if they're trying to frighten away 'those darn kids'.

4. Kidnapping family members and allowing them to talk through the television- Rare, but it happens

5. Spirit Writing- Watch out; all spirits feel they are authors, and will be more than happy to force you to read their stupid novels about first teen love, or their really not-funny Fred Savage television pilot treatments, if you get them started with their spirit writing.

6. Possession- Can be fun if it is someone interesting, like George Reeves or Warren G. Harding, but really sucks if it's some nutjob like Hitler or Beelzebub.

7. Putting on a clown mask and jumping out of an empty room- I don't know if there is any of this on record, but you gotta admit, it'd be pretty wild.

These are a few of the more obvious signs that spirits and ghosts are present, and are often used by ghosts of, well, lesser creative abilities and refinement. But are there times when the spirits are trying to communicate that are more subtle, and even may be missed? What forms do some of this communication take? Well, good of you to ask!

1. Bad smells- "Well, honey, it was either the dog or spirit communication"

2. Cold spots- Did you pay your heat bill? If so, you may be in the presence of spirits.

3. Knocking and rapping- Especially if it is Tupac or the Notorious B.I.G.

4. Orbs- Floating balls of light, these are often signs of either spirit activity or binge drinking

5. Ringing bells- Usually occurs only if you have a bell available. If you are hearing bells without a bell available, it may be a brain tumor, or even an angel getting its wings.

6. Unseen presence- This is the feeling that there is someone or something near you, but there is nothing visible. If it is visible, then, well, it's a seen presence. And, if it's a seen presence, then you will probably have little difficulty understanding that a spirit is communicating with you.

7. Object movement. This is often very subtle, such as a ping-pong ball moving two inches over the course of three months, or tectonic plates moving across the globe over the course of a billion years.

This list is not, by far, complete, and may include any or all of the above in combination when the dead attempt to communicate with the living. Certain spirits may put a little more of themselves in their communication. For example, a friend of mine once had a particularly annoying spirit try to communicate with him by pitching softballs at his head. I've heard of other ghosts attempting to communicate with some ridiculous opening lines ("Hey, now, if I wasn't a wispy, spectral collection of ectoplasm, and I told you you had a great body, would you hold it against me, or at least against my decomposing corpse?") And, of course, now that I've given them the idea, you watch; you're going to see some copycat spirit go putting on a clown mask and jumping out at you.

You may want to sit down for that one.

24 August, 2007

The Inadvisability of Using the Ouija Board

There are some dark objects that may be taken as children's playthings, but whose power should never be underestimated. These would include 'My Little Pony', '9 in 1 Utility Cutting Tool", "Trouble" complete with 'Pop-a-matic' bubble, and, of course, the Ouija Board. The history of the unknown is littered with the victims of this supposedly harmless talking board, or, should I say, it would be, if there was a history to know, but, since it is unknown, we wouldn't know about it, would we now? Anyhow, who can't relate to the parent stopped in the aisle of Target by a screaming child, crying and threatening to call Children's Services if he or she can't have that $399 Playstation 3 right now! And, of course, since Dad is going to be a week late AGAIN with the child support, there is no way to buy both the $399 Playstation 3 AND food that week. So, to avoid a week of eating glue and newspaper, the poor parent is forced into a desperate search through the toy department for something, anything, that little junior could find interesting that doesn't cost $399. 'Pirates of the Caribbean' playset? Look, it's got a nice, red 'Clearance' tag on it? No? Well, uh, how about a 'Spiderman 3' tent, with the nice, red 'Clearance' tag on it? Oh, where did you learn THAT word, little junior? Nevermind, here's something, a 'Ouija' board. Aunt Connie used to have one of these she played with all the time before she disappeared. No, it doesn't have a 2.6 GHz processor, but it does have a little plastic planchette that we can use to talk to Grandma, find out maybe where Grandpa ended up. What? This'll be ok? And, with a sigh of relief that can only be bought by the difference between $399 and $12.95, another parent condemns there child to a lifetime of hellish possession. I mean, an even greater lifetime of hellish possession than the usual parenting skills condemn their children.

And, within a few weeks, little Johnny or Jane is vomiting pea soup, urinating themselves during church 'Joytime', and tearing apart the couch with his or her teeth, gone to a place from which even the highest strength of Adderall XR can't bring them back.

Allow me to share a story:

A young man, whom we could call Xavier or Rufus, but instead we'll just call Billy, brings home a Ouija board he buys from a seemingly kindly old man at a garage sale, never even noticing that the old man had filed his teeth to points. Billy starts out as a casual Ouija board user; he'll ask a few questions, but the connection to the Other Side is not that good, kinda slow, and the answers take forever, so he starts to lose interest. One day, though, a telecommunications monopoly, who we'll call BU&U, offers Billy a superfast connection to the Other Side through his existing Ouija board, but only if he'll agree to a 15 month contract. Suddenly, Billy's Ouija board answers him with lightening speed. He starts to use it day and night, surfing the board for answers, chatting with unseen "friends", who could be anyone, from President Warren Harding to Rock Hudson to 'Dateline NBC'. These 'friends' become more important than his flesh and blood, and he turns to them to discover the truth, his fingers flying over the planchette while he communicates with the ether. His wife begs him to stop, to come to dinner, to spend some time with the family, but he can't, not when he can talk to "Cleopatra69" through his magical Ouija board connection. He's so engrossed in his otherworldly communication that he doesn't even notice when his wife packs up and leaves. Pale and filthy, Billy continues to turn to his magic board, moving through seemingly endless realms in search of meaning. He becomes well known throughout the spirit world, a celebrity in his own mind, substituting the lies and virtual communication of the Ouija for the real life he once had. His boss tells him he's no longer needed. He doesn't care; he's been working on a new design for a more responsive planchette. and, if the IPO money comes together, he'll take it public, all with the hopes the Parker Brothers will see it and buy up his company to add to their existing Ouija line-up and continue their monopoly on the Ouija market and its applications. But then, the spirits abandon him, moving on to the next board across the street, and leaving him with nothing. Desperate, lonely, on the verge of bankruptcy, Billy starts communication with the only spirit that will still have anything to do with him, "SexyMarieAntoinette1793". Forlorn, having given his life to a fickle and meaningless talking board technology filled with lying and exploitative spirits, craving some personal contact, he agrees to meet "SexyMarieAntoinett1793" in the darkest corner of the basement, where there is always a wet spot on the floor and the light never quite reaches, leaving it 5 degrees colder than the rest of the area. Of course, when he gets there, "SexyMarieAnointte1793" turns out not to be THE Marie Antoinette at all, but instead is the Demon with 1000 Eyes, and the Demon proceeds to rip Billy's limbs from his body then eat him while he is still alive. And then BU&U forwards a bill to Billy's widow, demanding payment for the remaining 2 months of the contract or they will put a lien on his insurance policy. All because of playing with a Ouija board.

Is this a true story? No, I made the whole thing up. But just because it is a lie doesn't make it any less true: Ouija boards are dangerous items that open the users up to all kinds of negative spiritual energy. How do I know? My Magic 8-Ball told me.

21 August, 2007

A Reflection on Mirrors

There are some places where you always expect to find the strange and the supernatural, such as an abandoned church graveyard or the murky bottom of a cold lake. There are some places where you never find the strange and the supernatural, such as the laundry detergent aisle at the Dollar Store or the toe of your second-best tennis shoes. There are some places you hope never to find the strange and the supernatural but that you sometimes may, such as a bus station bathroom or the back of the line at the DMV. And there are some everyday places where you may, just may, stumble into a shadowy realm of boundless infinity in your own home.

By this, I mean a mirror.

It is a fact well-known by distinguished scholars and proven through the scientific method that mirrors are frequently windows to alternate dimensions rather than true reflections of the world around us. Just a moment ago, I was staring into the hall mirror when I noticed that the reflection staring back at me was not my true reflection but a fat goblin, a pasty-faced beast in wrinkled clothes, dark circles under its eyes, spiky black hair jutting from the top of its head, snarling and drooling in a monstrous manner. I jumped back, horrified that I had glimpsed this creature from another dimension rather than a reflection of myself. What other nightmares might I glimpse in the depths of this portal? Fearful, I immediately shattered the mirror to destroy this dimensional vortex. Then, I had to haul the cursed object out, under the ladder by our doorway, barely missing my neighbor's black cat as it ran in front of me, knocking over the salt shaker on the table, and stepping on several cracks on my way down the thirteen steps to the trash can. Now, though, with that beastly vision out of my house, I know my luck will be changing for the better.

So what does this mean for you? Try it for yourself; get a mirror. If you don't have a mirror, check out the back of a spoon, or turn off your monitor and check the reflection in it. Do you see it? Is it yourself staring back at you, or is it some slimy, doughy creature with bloodshot eyes, puffy sinuses, and callouses on all of its fingers, desperately trolling the Internet for free porn and high school classmates that hated you then and would hate you even more now, especially after you managed to look through their bedroom windows via Google Earth? See what I mean? What? You quit reading when you turned off the monitor? Oh, uh, well, see? The power of mirrors actually made this blog disappear!!

Mirrors- not something to stare into lightly, or else you risk facing a life of terrifying gloom and sadness.

20 August, 2007

Welcome, Mortal Foolishness...

Within these dank and dusky hallways, we will explore together some of the most unexplained, most fear-inducing, most out and out creepy and kooky things in this world and the next, as well as any parallel, perpendicular, slaunch-wise, or just plain alternate universes out there. What, you say? You doubt the validity of the absurd? Well then, my friends with the suspicious minds, take my hand, watch your head and step (for the unexplained does a piss-poor job of building maintenance, and there are many places that you may slip on a mossy floor or hit your head on some low-clearance crypt while exploring these topics; now that you've been warned, however, know that my legal team says any falls are your own responsibility, so proceed with caution), and we will walk together into a world where sense and nonsense collide, where shadows cast shadows across still and empty rooms, where dogs howl in the night and there are no neighbors to complain or call animal control and have your beloved family pet taken away. No, together we will walk, hand in hand, through these corridors- what? Come on, now, please. It wasn't me that tried to touch your boob. Ok, I might have rubbed against it, but it was an accident, 'cause it's dark in here. Please, you don't have to yell!. Fine, then, get all attitudinal. Like I'd want to grab your flubbery old boob anyhow. Most likely, it was the icy grip of fear you felt, not me. Either we're gonna proceed down these cob-webbed passageways or you're gonna stand there whining about someone brushing against your boob? Fine, whatever, it's up to you. File a complaint with the EEOC, see if I care.

Anyhow, for the rest of us, let us proceed into the dark realm of mists and questions, of midnight and twenty minutes past midnight, of ideas both bad and good, and often stupid. In this blog, we will keep close together while we attempt to know the unknown, to explore everything from 'Aliens' to the 'Zipperump-A-Zoo". Sniff the stink of fear and wallow in the musk of mystery. Feel the chill of the unseen deep in your bowels. Just the fact that you have joined us here indicates you are not afraid of the dark. But now comes the real question; are you afraid of a flesh-eating zombie lurking in the dark? Together, we will discover the answers, or, at least, the questions.

What will you find as we search the shadowy world just beyond our vision? Let me give you a taste with a reality doubting example...

Stare at this blog for a solid 10 seconds. Are your retinas burning? Good. Now, turn your head or your computer monitor until you are in line with the edge of the monitor. Can you still see this blog? What? You can? Oh. Well, now, close your eyes. Can you still see this blog? That's right, you can't! Ooooh, it's gone! The entire blog disappeared with just the close of an eye, or eyes, for those of you who are not pirates. But did it exist in the first place? Was it a product of your overworked imagination? Or was it composed of nothing more than the wind through the old dead tree in the backyard your wife has been nagging you for two years to remove? Was this blog simply an echo of a voice from a distant time, a laugh in the night when nothing is funny, a pile of dust in the corner of a long empty church? You know that you saw it, but, as soon as you closed your eyes, it was gone. Now, as you may know, you have just entered the world of...

Unknown Mysteries of the Strangely Unexplained...

(Ok, you can all open your eyes now and go on about your business.)

(Alright, already, you can open your eyes and hit "Next blog". Hey! You! Wake up! Open your eyes! Blog posting over! Open your eyes! Wake up! Hey! Hey! How rude...post a blog and the reader falls asleep. Whatever. At least those of us who are awake will see when a chupacabra comes sneaking up on us. You fools who went to sleep, you're on your own.)